Why are people abusive to their boyfriends or girlfriends?

This is a really good question that is quite hard to answer. There are lots of reasons why abuse exists but ultimately it boils down to a choice someone makes, otherwise everyone would solve their problems by being abusive. Some people grow up in a home where people are abusive and hurt each other rather than talk things out or compromise. Others feel insecure in themselves so they try and control other people to give themselves a greater sense of power. Other people don’t value or respect women and feel that they should be treated abusively. Others may have nothing positive in their life so they abuse others because they are hurting. Some people may drink or do drugs and then become abusive. Some people may claim that they have a bad temper or just get so angry that they lose control. None of these things are excuses for abuse. It is hard to try and talk to someone when we are upset, sometimes it is easier to just put them down. People who are abusive are taking the easy way out. It is important to remember that abuse is a behaviour and not a person. It is possible for someone who has been abusive to change if they admit they are abusive and seek help to learn new ways to deal with their emotions instead of being abusive. If someone in your school or community was acting abusively and wanted to stop, or was experiencing abuse and wanted help, they could talk to a counsellor or an elder for support and healing. See the Youth Resource page for places to go for support and numbers to call.

How can you avoid abuse?

The best way to avoid abuse is to listen to yourself. Trust your gut instinct If a relationship feels bad don’t minimize your feelings or second guess yourself. Some warning signs of abuse are jealousy, putdowns, isolation, pressure to have sex and criticizing friends and family. Being in a relationship should make you feel good about yourself not stressed out and afraid all the time. If you need to talk or want to ask questions about abuse in relationships call 942-7373 or 786-8686

Do girls sexually abuse men in a relationship?

Unfortunately, both men and women can behave abusively in relationships (dating or otherwise). Sexual abuse can happen in many ways. Often, people only think of rape (unwanted and forced penis/vagina sex), but there are other ways that sexual abuse can occur. Any name-calling of a sexual nature; any kind of unwanted or forced touch (hugging, kissing and oral sex can be included here); as well as putting down somebody’s sexual expression or forcing someone to watch, read or look at any pornographic material is sexual abuse.

Behaving abusively is very serious and hurtful for both people going through it, and if one is willing to admit that they are behaving in an abusive manner and get help, they can change their behaviour.

How much more common is it that women are abused compared to men?

Unfortunately it is much more common for women to be abused in a dating relationship then males. Sadly, it is also very common for men not to report abuse because of stereotypes of men having to be really tough and strong, and therefore not abused. Compared to teenage boys, girls sustain three times as much mild injury, twice as much moderate injury and virtually all-severe injury caused by dating violence. The average age for the first physically violent dating experience is 15.

If you are a girl, for example, who was abused by your male partner are you more apt to become a lesbian?

That’s a hard question to know for sure. What we do know is that some women like men (heterosexual), some like women (lesbian), and some like both (bisexual). After they leave an abusive relationship, or are assaulted, some women don’t feel safe, comfortable, or attracted to the gender that was abusive. It is very normal for someone who has been abused to be uninterested or frightened by sex. Experiencing an assault can be very traumatic and have a lasting effect on the survivor.

What if you think that you may be abusive in a relationship but you are not sure?

This is a tough question and it is very brave of you to admit you may be abusive. A good place to start would be to talk to your partner. Ask them if your behavior ever makes them feel uncomfortable, bad about themselves or intimidated to express their selves. You can then pinpoint some problem areas and begin to work on them. If you need help on this you can also get counseling through Klinic’s drop-in counseling program. You can stop acting abusively. Admitting there is a problem is the first step. Good luck!

What if someone lied about being abused? Can the person be punished?

Most people don’t lie about abuse because the process of telling someone is never easy and always complicated. However, if someone did lie about someone abusing him or her, they may be charged with perjury (lying).